Saturday, March 10, 2012

Fixed is not Unbroken


In school we had to answer the question: "What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?". We wrote our answers down on this A4 sized manila card which tracked your answer every year.

I always wrote the same thing. "Penulis". Writer.

I never thought twice about it.

And yet I had never really written down anything (you keep hearing about various authors who start writing in diapers etc etc) except an ill-conceived poem about the wind (it always blew) when I was about 5 or 6.

My stories were in my head. In it I spun confident yarns, juggling several at one time, occasionally trying out dialogue aloud.

When asked to baby-sit various cousins little-r than myself, I would try out these yarns on them. They listened wide-eyed and fell asleep only when the tale was done and with promises of more tomorrow.

And still every year I wrote Writer on the manila card.

The parental units, of course, were off on a frolic of their own, envisioning other professions for me (I doubt I ever told them what I wrote on that manila card).

Professions, which, as I grew up and shed my dreams one by one I began to take as my own ambitions.

But yet through it all I wrote "Writer". Year in. Year out. A mantra

Of course, I wrote little pieces here and there.

In fact until I went to Law School, my essays (in whatever language) garnered the requisite As.

But never a story, never anything of consequence.

My parents, however, did cotton on to my talents and utilised me to write important greeting cards or letters to the huge extended family that spanned the globe and filled me with trepidation with their criticisms and comments.

Once, after having read a greeting I had written to the woman who raised my mother, my father turned to me and looked at me with eyes filled with wonder, wonder that he had created this creature who could make words sing.

You, though, made me write.

Little stories. Little snippets.

I thought it was because you believed in me.

But it was more of the same really. The need to own me and control me. I guess deep down you always knew I was never really yours.

When the dust had settled and I had picked myself up, I checked and found no bones broken, all organs in place and a heart that beat steadily and surely as usual.

You and yours receded into the stuff of nightmares.

No biggie, I thought. I am whole. None the worse for wear.

But fixed is not unbroken. Something's got to give.

And sure enough, the words dried up.

In dribs and drabs, yes but soon everything became tawdry, even the stories in my head.

I welcomed the silence. Embraced it even. Tried to live outside myself for once.

But the emptiness within myself gnawed. Becoming a cavern in which all good things swirled and disappeared.

One day the head-stories came back. Bubbling out of me like a spring. Demanding to be written down. To be heard.

Of a man with a shock of white hair. Sitting in shadow. Telling the Warrior, God and Ghost that there were forces at work in this modern land of steel and stone. This land that he had built. The citizens had forgotten their roots. Chasing after holes in the sky and pieces of paper that certified your intelligence. He humbly (and he was not a humble man by any account) asked for their help.

Of two children. Walking hand in hand. Trudging a dusty path.
She said I was a dead weight around their necks, the boy whispers to his sister. That we were better off dead.
Its OK. His sister answers. We are going to where they love us.
She did not know that they would love only him and send her away.

Of a a great king who loved his queen so much he built her a mausoleum of marble. But he died a prisoner, blinded even of the sight of her tomb. Just because he had loved one son more than the other. One daughter more than the other.

Of four sisters. Named after Queens. One died young. Unmarried and childless. One died young with her husband and all her children around her. Another died old, in a foreign land having lived her whole life with a man who had loved her youngest sister, the most beautiful of them all who died young having forgiven the man who abandoned her.

But the words still refuse to sing

So I shush the stories in my head. I will tell your tales I promise them. Just let me sleep for now

Meanwhile I name myself after a desert and wait for the rain to come.

Monday, August 10, 2009

A Denizen of the Floating World

I come alive at night

When the scent of possibilities are strong and the wind blows out to the sea.

In the day I sleep

For this is not my life. This not my world. This bustling of suits and egos not my reality.

Mine is the Floating World. Diaphanous. Smoky. Half-lit and beautiful in shadow.

I had given it up these many moons. To find meaning and purpose in the Sun.

But my soul withered. My eyes died.

Then I saw you. We debated Chemistry or Biology in the twilight time between worlds.

It is the same thing, I thought to myself. Po-tah-to. Po-tay-to. Possibilities. French fries.

But you were a creature of the Sun. Of stark realities. Of pragmatism and practicalities.

We could only meet in the in-betweens.

So I curled myself into a tight ball and only touched you in my dreams.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Masters of Rome

Those who know me well have been privy to my frequent obsessions. When assailled with one, there is nothing much I can do except sail along until the obsession wears thin.

I have been obsessed with people (living and dead), theories, fields of study, schools of thought and activities. Nowadays with Wikipedia, the Internet and the easy accessibility that Singapore affords to to gorge myself, I get over my obsessions fairly quickly. In less enlightened times, these obsessions could last for years while I scoured libraries and books and classes.

Now and again I get enamoured with a historical period. Over the years, I have been obsessed with the Tudor period in England, the French Revolution, the Khmer Rouge period in Cambodia (go figure), England under Richard Lionheart (and his father before him and brother after him), the Crusades (in all its permutations including the Children's Crusade), France under Louis the XIII and Louis the XIV (fine fine, the Three Musketeers period if you must know) and India under the Mughals. I remember freaking out the 17-year old nephew of my Aunt when I was 12 by happily naming the Mughal kings in chronological order. Yeah, the obsessive trait started pretty early :-p

But one era of history I have never quite gotten over is Rome circa Caesar (and no I have not read the Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire, nor do I care to - I didn't care about the EMPIRE as such).

I can't quite figure out the attraction. Was it Caesar himself? I don't really think so as I was never completely taken with the whole Rome-had-become-too-big and-needed-an-Emperor-to-rein-it-in thesis. Was it the culture? (What culture really? An amalgamation of Rome in the time of the Kings and Greek culture at best) Was it the preponderance of long names? (Publius Cornelius Scipio Africanus was my favourite. I remember fondly a boyfriend who would recite like a litany the FULL names of all the famous Romans).

I don't rightly know. Self-awareness has never been my strong suit :-p I do know, though, that there has never been a more exciting canvas on which so many incredible and larger-than-life men and women have been painted. After all, Caesar must have had something in him such that he is still deified in movies and books more than 2,000 years after his bloody demise.
So, when I came upon Colleen Mcculough's Masters of Rome series, I was completely enthralled. Finally an account of those wonderful personages! In palatable novel-form no less.
Mccullough's research was painstaking and she painted her numerous characters with a deft hand. In the appendix of each of her books, she even gives reasons for her decisions to depart from historical norms (it could be argued that creative licence was taken, but I agree with Mccullough in that history was not complete and occasionally we had to fill some gaps based on the information we were given) e.g.:

1) What exactly did Caesar say when he crossed the Rubicon?

2) How exactly did Caesarion die? (in McCullough's books he dies by the hand of the reluctant-to-kill-him-but-realises-he-must-if-he-is-ever-to-rule-Rome Octavian)
3) Was Cleopatra's and Anthony's famous sea-battle accurately rendered? After all the victors do re-write history and what we know could have been manufactured by the politically-savvy Octavian.

4) Why did Gaius Marius and Sulla have such a good relationship (initially at least)? How could such different characters (the soldier-politician and the bisexual-metrosexual-politician) meet and become such good friends? McCullough invents (quite plausibly) a younger sister (another Julia) to Marius' famous wife Julia (Caesar's great-aunt) who marries Sulla. So for a time there were brothers-in-law and HAD to co-operate

5) Why was Servillia such a bitch? Perhaps an abusive childhood had the same effect in antiquity as it does today.

In total there are 7 books in the series:

The First man In Rome (1990); spanning the years 110-100 BC

The Grass Crown (1991); spanning the years 97-86 BC

Fortune's Favourites (1993); spanning the years 83-69 BC

Caesar's Women (1997); spanning the years 67-59 BC

Caesar (1998); spanning the years 54-48 BC

The October Horse (2002); spanning the years 48-41 BC and

Anthony & Cleopatra (2007); spanning the years 41-27 BC

Mcculough had originally intended The October Horse to be her last novel as she opined that the Roman Republic ended with the Battle of Philippi and Brutus' death but fans (including the Prime Minister of Australia, apparently) lobbied for another novel.

In any case most historians are of the opinion that the Battle of Actium and the death of Mark Anthony truly sounded the death-knell for the Republic.

Frankly, I hope Mcculough goes on with the series and writes about Rome's first 5 emperors. Octavian (known as the Emperor Augustus) has always interested me more than Caesar anyway. A puny non-soldier-like asthmatic who purportedly hid during the Battle of Philippi; he went on to launch the Roman Empire.

Also, the scheming and intrigue during the time of the Emperors Augustus, Tiberius, Claudius, Caligula and Nero could rival any modern day soap-opera.

A case in point was Tiberius - strangely enough Tiberius was not even Octavian's (hereinafter Augustus) son. He was a step-son, the son of Augustus' wife, Livia Drusa with another man. Augustus fell in love with her when she was pregnant and despite the fact that both her father and husband were against him. The marriage lasted 51 years and Augustus cherished Livia Drusa and deified her as "Augusta", elevating her two sons from her previous marriage to his heirs (Augustus and Livia Drusa never had any children).

Anyways, back to Tiberius - he was groomed very early on by Augustus and proved worthy both in the arena of war and that of politics. He was married to Augustus' favourite general and best friend - Agrippa's daughter Vipsania Agrippina. The marriage was successful and the couple loved each other dearly.

Unfortunately, Agrippa died in war leaving his wife, Julia free. Now this Julia was a prize catch as she was Augustus' daughter (not by Livia Drusa, of course) and her husband would be the next Emperor of Rome. Augustus, out of love or the tyranny that he was soon to be known for, ordered Tiberius to divorce his beloved Vipsania, marry Julia and become his (Augustus') heir.

Apart from being the Emperor of Rome, Augustus was also the "paterfamilias" and his word was law. Tiberius did his bidding but he was never again happy ( he once even famously "ran away") and his governance of Rome after Augustus' death reflected his conflicting emotions.

The story is that Tiberius once ran into Vipsania again, and proceeded to follow her home crying and begging forgiveness; soon afterwards, Tiberius met with Augustus, and steps were taken to ensure that Tiberius and Vipsania would never meet again.

Julia turned out to be the original "whore of Babylon" flaunting her lovers in front of her father and her husband and thus began the decline of the Roman Empire - almost as soon as it was born.

One can only hope that Mccullough will one day decide to write about "Caesar's Descendants".

Addendum: Mccullough also does drawings and sketches of the characters based on descriptions or busts of the period which I should upload here but I am too lazy to :-p

Addendum2: When I first heard about Rome, the TV series, my excitement knew no bounds. But within a couple of viewings I was disillusioned. The liberties taken with history was just too much and worse still merely for the purpose of enticing viewers; it was not a case of piecing together discordant information to make a coherent whole. Really; Atia was the "whore of Babylon and had a relationship with her future son-in-law, Mark Anthony who she continued to sleep with after he married her daughter, Octavia? Atia who was known historically as the exemplarary mother. Well there is more but this is not a post about "Rome" so I shall quit snivelling and hope I have gotten Rome and the cunning, wily, beautiful Octavian out of my system once and for all.

Somehow I doubt that.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Jhumpa Lahiri's Unaccustomed Earth

Lahiri's voice is still. Rising and falling with a quietly confident cadence that I sometimes imagine her native Bengali must sound like. An educated guess at best. To my knowledge I have never heard Bengali :-p

Lahiri does not write action. Hers are the quiet walks on stormy uninviting beaches, long aimless drives through small town america and extended dinners Indian families excel in (where the silence is so profound you can detect who is eating what from the different timbre in the chewing sounds).With her latest book, Lahiri returns to her strongest form - the short story. A structure first seen in her Pulitzer prize winning first novel - Interpreter of Maladies.

At the beginning there are 5 stories. Each contained within itself. I could say a pearl within an oyster but the stories are not pearls or gems or any other pseudo-metaphor. They are interesting and a little bit strange but only strange in their mundaneness.
Plot? Dramatic contrivances? Exposition? What is that?

A story is what happens when we sit around waiting for our stories to begin. Its called life. And so we have them- a widowed Father spends some time with his pregnant married daughter's family in between the holiday tours he has made his life's purpose after his wife's death, a young couple befriend a lonely university student in a foreign land, yet another young couple attend a weekend wedding together, a ne'er-do-well brother visits his sister's new family, a young Indian lady shares accommodations.

Lahiri allows us to be voyeurs - peeking into people's lives for a moment or two and then sending us on our way. Her accomplishment is singular in making us care for these people, flawed and often unlikeable. In the brief moment we meet them, we wish them well. After all, they are our brothers and sister, fathers and mothers, sons and daughters, sometimes they are Us.
Her final three stories are actually one story seen from the perspectives of 2 people. It purports to be a love story of karmic proportions, though the usual trappings of a love story are largely absent. There is no Happily Ever After. There is no sense of resolution or affirmation of our faith in love.
And yet at the end of the story, when I closed the book, I could only say to myself - This is a True Thing.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Desperate Housemates : Episode 1 - Nitin v the Eveeel Hammock!!

Its just another beautiful night at Cassiopeia.

The stars are twinkling in the night sky ( as much as they can in Singapore)

while the wind-chimes tinkle merrily in the evening breeze (more like gale)


Nitin hums softly to himself as he sets up the prety red hammock Saad had just gotten from Carrefour - la di da da

Hold still Eveeel Hammock, let me get in!

Arrrgh!! Help the Eveeel Hammock has me!!

Who's your daddy now Eveeel Hammock?


Splutter*Splutter* [Eveeel Hammock throws Nitin into the flower bed]

Tara: This is better than TV!

Let me show you how it is done...

[Eveeel Hammock: Me is loving Tara!]

Pictures Courtesy Saad

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Gaeta's Lament

  • Alone she sleeps in the shirt of man
  • With my three wishes clutched in her hand
  • The first that she be spared the pain
  • That comes from a dark and laughing rain
  • When she finds love may it always stay true
  • This I beg for the second wish I made too
  • But wish no more
  • My life you can take
  • To have her please just one day wake

Monday, June 02, 2008

Desperate Housemates - Pilot / Cassiopeia

After months of searching in a ridiculous house market and being turned away because we were...wait for it...Indian! We gave up.

Its true what they say though, once you stop trying....things work out..


It was pretty much love at first sight...you had me at 'em white picket fences and huge verandah

The spacious living room gives Nitin an idea

They don't make balconies this huge no more

The view from the balcony/soon-to-be outdoor living area christened "10-Forward"

cosy common corner conceptual conflict collaborative cohesion center consideration [~saad]

Looking into the kitchen from the living room

The Sunny Yellow kitchen was a wee bit tiny for such a huge place but we figured we would not be using it much :-p

We tussle over the Master Bedroom. Stuti wins

Cliffhanger ending : Can the Nitin and the Netto be homies without killing each other?

Photos Courtesy Saad