Saturday, March 10, 2012
Fixed is not Unbroken
In school we had to answer the question: "What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?". We wrote our answers down on this A4 sized manila card which tracked your answer every year.
I always wrote the same thing. "Penulis". Writer.
I never thought twice about it.
And yet I had never really written down anything (you keep hearing about various authors who start writing in diapers etc etc) except an ill-conceived poem about the wind (it always blew) when I was about 5 or 6.
My stories were in my head. In it I spun confident yarns, juggling several at one time, occasionally trying out dialogue aloud.
When asked to baby-sit various cousins little-r than myself, I would try out these yarns on them. They listened wide-eyed and fell asleep only when the tale was done and with promises of more tomorrow.
And still every year I wrote Writer on the manila card.
The parental units, of course, were off on a frolic of their own, envisioning other professions for me (I doubt I ever told them what I wrote on that manila card).
Professions, which, as I grew up and shed my dreams one by one I began to take as my own ambitions.
But yet through it all I wrote "Writer". Year in. Year out. A mantra
Of course, I wrote little pieces here and there.
In fact until I went to Law School, my essays (in whatever language) garnered the requisite As.
But never a story, never anything of consequence.
My parents, however, did cotton on to my talents and utilised me to write important greeting cards or letters to the huge extended family that spanned the globe and filled me with trepidation with their criticisms and comments.
Once, after having read a greeting I had written to the woman who raised my mother, my father turned to me and looked at me with eyes filled with wonder, wonder that he had created this creature who could make words sing.
You, though, made me write.
Little stories. Little snippets.
I thought it was because you believed in me.
But it was more of the same really. The need to own me and control me. I guess deep down you always knew I was never really yours.
When the dust had settled and I had picked myself up, I checked and found no bones broken, all organs in place and a heart that beat steadily and surely as usual.
You and yours receded into the stuff of nightmares.
No biggie, I thought. I am whole. None the worse for wear.
But fixed is not unbroken. Something's got to give.
And sure enough, the words dried up.
In dribs and drabs, yes but soon everything became tawdry, even the stories in my head.
I welcomed the silence. Embraced it even. Tried to live outside myself for once.
But the emptiness within myself gnawed. Becoming a cavern in which all good things swirled and disappeared.
One day the head-stories came back. Bubbling out of me like a spring. Demanding to be written down. To be heard.
Of a man with a shock of white hair. Sitting in shadow. Telling the Warrior, God and Ghost that there were forces at work in this modern land of steel and stone. This land that he had built. The citizens had forgotten their roots. Chasing after holes in the sky and pieces of paper that certified your intelligence. He humbly (and he was not a humble man by any account) asked for their help.
Of two children. Walking hand in hand. Trudging a dusty path.
She said I was a dead weight around their necks, the boy whispers to his sister. That we were better off dead.
Its OK. His sister answers. We are going to where they love us.
She did not know that they would love only him and send her away.
Of a a great king who loved his queen so much he built her a mausoleum of marble. But he died a prisoner, blinded even of the sight of her tomb. Just because he had loved one son more than the other. One daughter more than the other.
Of four sisters. Named after Queens. One died young. Unmarried and childless. One died young with her husband and all her children around her. Another died old, in a foreign land having lived her whole life with a man who had loved her youngest sister, the most beautiful of them all who died young having forgiven the man who abandoned her.
But the words still refuse to sing
So I shush the stories in my head. I will tell your tales I promise them. Just let me sleep for now
Meanwhile I name myself after a desert and wait for the rain to come.
Monday, August 10, 2009
A Denizen of the Floating World
When the scent of possibilities are strong and the wind blows out to the sea.
In the day I sleep
For this is not my life. This not my world. This bustling of suits and egos not my reality.
Mine is the Floating World. Diaphanous. Smoky. Half-lit and beautiful in shadow.
I had given it up these many moons. To find meaning and purpose in the Sun.
But my soul withered. My eyes died.
Then I saw you. We debated Chemistry or Biology in the twilight time between worlds.
It is the same thing, I thought to myself. Po-tah-to. Po-tay-to. Possibilities. French fries.
But you were a creature of the Sun. Of stark realities. Of pragmatism and practicalities.
We could only meet in the in-betweens.
So I curled myself into a tight ball and only touched you in my dreams.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Masters of Rome
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Jhumpa Lahiri's Unaccustomed Earth
At the beginning there are 5 stories. Each contained within itself. I could say a pearl within an oyster but the stories are not pearls or gems or any other pseudo-metaphor. They are interesting and a little bit strange but only strange in their mundaneness.
Plot? Dramatic contrivances? Exposition? What is that?
A story is what happens when we sit around waiting for our stories to begin. Its called life. And so we have them- a widowed Father spends some time with his pregnant married daughter's family in between the holiday tours he has made his life's purpose after his wife's death, a young couple befriend a lonely university student in a foreign land, yet another young couple attend a weekend wedding together, a ne'er-do-well brother visits his sister's new family, a young Indian lady shares accommodations.
Lahiri allows us to be voyeurs - peeking into people's lives for a moment or two and then sending us on our way. Her accomplishment is singular in making us care for these people, flawed and often unlikeable. In the brief moment we meet them, we wish them well. After all, they are our brothers and sister, fathers and mothers, sons and daughters, sometimes they are Us.
Her final three stories are actually one story seen from the perspectives of 2 people. It purports to be a love story of karmic proportions, though the usual trappings of a love story are largely absent. There is no Happily Ever After. There is no sense of resolution or affirmation of our faith in love.
And yet at the end of the story, when I closed the book, I could only say to myself - This is a True Thing.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Desperate Housemates : Episode 1 - Nitin v the Eveeel Hammock!!
The stars are twinkling in the night sky ( as much as they can in Singapore)
while the wind-chimes tinkle merrily in the evening breeze (more like gale)
Nitin hums softly to himself as he sets up the prety red hammock Saad had just gotten from Carrefour - la di da da
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Gaeta's Lament
- Alone she sleeps in the shirt of man
- With my three wishes clutched in her hand
- The first that she be spared the pain
- That comes from a dark and laughing rain
- When she finds love may it always stay true
- This I beg for the second wish I made too
- But wish no more
- My life you can take
- To have her please just one day wake
Monday, June 02, 2008
Desperate Housemates - Pilot / Cassiopeia
Its true what they say though, once you stop trying....things work out..
It was pretty much love at first sight...you had me at 'em white picket fences and huge verandah
The spacious living room gives Nitin an idea
They don't make balconies this huge no more
The view from the balcony/soon-to-be outdoor living area christened "10-Forward"
cosy common corner conceptual conflict collaborative cohesion center consideration [~saad]
Looking into the kitchen from the living room